Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm just me

When I look back and see where I've been and what I've been through in my life, it never ceases to amaze me that I am where I am now. I'm a 32 yr. old mother of 4 biological children and 1 step son, married now for the 2nd time to a wonderful man that knows how to and does drive me insane in many different ways. How did I get here in one piece? How am I not one of those extrememely messed up individuals that trusts no one, does all kinds of drugs and is just a victim of life? Who do I have to thank for that? Is it hereditary or was it just in me to overcome it, learn from it and just move on? We all have our issues and we've all been through our fair share of trials and tribulations, right? How is it that some of us can move on and so many others hold on to it all and use it as an excuse to continue to remain victims? I'm not saying that I've completely overcome everything and that things from my past don't come back to haunt me from time to time, but in my own personal opinion, I think I've done pretty well.
Just a brief synopsis of my life as it is now would consist of 3 girls (Miranda - 14, McKenna - 8, Caya (pronounced Kya) - 6 and 2 boys (Trevor (step-son) - 12 and Chase - 11). It would also consist me surviving my first year of marriage to my husband, Jeff. We've actually known each other for about 17 years, but lost contact after high school, only to regain it and eventually fall in love and get married. It's definitely been tough, but it's to be expected too.
I've never done this whole blogging thing before, nor have I ever even read one, but there have been so many times that I've wanted and needed to just "talk" and get things out in the open, so I decided to try this and see where it gets me. When I was younger and all the way thru my first marriage, I would TRY to find a quiet place to sit down and just pull out a notebook and write to my heart's content. Now in my new marriage, I don't often get the time or the quiet place, so I'm trying this instead. I tried doing the writing thing once before at home because things were especially rough and I thought my husband was going to have a coronary. He's very insecure and needy at times and he just couldn't grasp the concept of me doing something without him and especially the thought of me writing something he wasn't privy to. That was almost a year ago and I STILL hear about it from time to time. Until I get my computer up and running at home, the only time I'll ever be able to do this is at work. Heck .... even if I did have my computer working at home, I'd never have the opportunity to be on it ..... not with 5 kids that all want to be on it. Not to mention Jeff probably wanting to know what was going on and what I was writing. Insecurity is a dangerous thing and not something I handle very well, but we're definitely working on it. LOL As time goes on, we get better and better, but it's been a very long and difficult road. It seems like our biggest issues deal with money, kids and me wanting to be my own person from time to time. It seems like I've always been someone's mom or someone's wife.

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